Never Gave Up
by anotherlifeontheinternet
Summary: AU: One-Shot - Erin never returned to intelligence and all those who were once fighting for her return simply gave up.


She didn't belong there.

There was absolutely no reason Erin Lindsay should be sitting outside of the 21st District of the Chicago Police Department in her car. She had not come back to the Intelligence Unit or talked to anyone from the unit in nearly three months. This was the longest time she had ever gone without talking to Voight since she had met him when she was sixteen and on the streets. He reached out a couple of times, but ultimately figured out that she didn't want to be bothered. So, he didn't push her into coming back, which meant Erin fell deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

This was the longest time she had ever gone without talking to Jay. This fact haunted her because for the longest time he didn't stop calling. At the earliest hours of the morning, the shrill ring of Erin's cell phone would wake her and his picture would flash up. She thought that if she didn't answer he would stop.

But, Jay Halstead was just as stubborn as she was. The calls continued for weeks, along with text messages of concern. She never answered any of them. Not a single one.

She understood he cared and as her partner - former partner - they had promised each other they would always be there for each other. That's what he doing, he was keeping his promise to always be there for her.

Well, that's what he was doing.

The calls at one o'clock in the morning stopped. The text messages every two hours were no longer sent. Jay Halstead no longer existed in Erin's world.

Erin wasn't sure how she got here, but she knew the fact Jay had not reached out to her in nearly two weeks was a key reason. She had no intention of confronting anyone from her former unit. She was not going to go in there and be looked at like a caged animal. She would not talk to Voight. She was going to sit there, slightly sober and coming off a high from something she took last night, and wait to see a familiar face.

Suddenly, there was a tapping on the glass window outside her car, practically making Erin jump out of her seat. Turning towards the passenger side, Erin silently thanked God it wasn't Hank or Jay, but who else than Alvin Olinsky standing on the sidewalk.

She unlocked the car door and signaled for him to come in. From a young age, Erin always trusted Alvin when she could not talk to Hank. Hank and Alvin worked on the same team together when she was a teenager and Voight was only a detective. Alvin was like her trusty uncle, who could handle all her secrets.

"Mouse says you've been sitting out here for nearly two hours", Alvin began the conversation.

Erin's head snapped in his direction rather quickly it nearly gave her whiplash, "Don't worry. He didn't say anything to Jay or Hank. Only me", Alvin reassured her.

A comfortable silence settled between the two as Erin returned to her view outside the window. "Are you sober", Alvin asked.

Erin turned towards him and watched as he raised his eyebrow towards her, a silent tell he wasn't here to judge her.

"I haven't had a drink in at least a day", she stated. "But, I'm coming down from a high from this afternoon", Erin admitted.

Alvin said nothing and Erin turned back to the window watching cops leave and others arrive.

"What are you doing here Erin", Alvin finally asked.

Erin shook her head without looking towards Alvin in the passenger seat. She wasn't completely sure why she was here. Something just lead her here. It wasn't her job, because she knew her three weeks furlough were long gone. She obviously wasn't here to talk to anyone. Something just lead her here and she couldn't seem to put her finger on it.

Until she saw it.

There was Jay, walking out of the district with some women dressed in what looked like an expensive suit. She had long dark brown hair and carried a briefcase. She was laughing at something he said and Erin couldn't help but notice Jay was smiling in this mysterious woman's direction. He looked genuinely happy and it broke her inside.

"She's a lawyer", Alvin chimed in knowing exactly what Erin was staring so intently at. Erin almost laughed to herself at Alvin's tone. Everyone in the intelligence unit despised lawyers.

Erin could barely believe what she saw next. Suddenly, this woman was too close to Jay and the next thing Erin knew, she brazenly kissed him in the middle of the parking lot.

Just like that, Erin's last string snapped. Her world came crashing down. It was as if someone had completed filling the hole she had now trapped herself in.

And it was all because Jay Halstead had found someone new.

"He swears they aren't serious", Alvin added making Erin snap back into reality.

"How long", she asked in a hoarse whisper, still staring out the window watching as Jay took his new fling towards his car.

"About two weeks", Alvin responded. Erin cursed herself silently. She should have known he found someone new. It made sense. They probably got together around the same time the phone calls and text messages stopped. Jay had found himself some sophisticated lawyer who wasn't getting high on the daily.

"I'm sorry Erin", Alvin whispered gently watching as Erin swiped what he knew, but she would now admit, was the beginning of many tears streaming down her face.

"When I came out here, I hoped he wasn't the reason you came, because I knew he would be leaving with her. She comes by everyday", he continued waiting for a response from Erin.

When she gave none, Alvin continued to speak, "You love him", he asked.

Erin felt the lump get caught in her throat and her heart begin to race. Did she love him? He was obviously the reason she had sat in her car for two hours. She sat in her car for two hours just to watch her partner, former partner, ex-boyfriend, whatever the hell he was, walk out with another woman. Now here she was practically feeling her heart break into pieces over what she had just witnessed.

Yeah, she loved him. But she wasn't about to admit it.

Slowly, Erin turned to Alvin and saw the concerned look on his face. It made her want to cry even more. But, Erin Lindsay was not about to completely lose it in the parking lot of a police precinct.

"It doesn't matter anymore. Does it", she answered coldly.

Alvin sighed and gently reached over, taking her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze, "Erin, if you need any help", he began.

"I am fine", she answered coldly slipping his hand from his, knowing exactly where he was going with this conversation. Everyone always tried to help her. Didn't they understand she just wanted to be alone.

"I wouldn't have to tell Hank. We could you checked in somewhere where you can just clear your head", Alvin tried again.

"I DON'T WANT ANY HELP, ALVIN", Erin yelled letting loose the tears she had tried to keep from falling.

Alvin let out another sigh and began to turn to get out of her car before she said one last thing. "It's too late", Erin whispered so quietly Alvin almost missed it.

Alvin said nothing in return. Just got out of the car and stood on the sidewalk, leaving the passenger door open.

"If you need anything Erin, you know where to find me", He said before closing the door and leaving Erin alone in her car.

Erin sat in silence for at least another fifteen minutes after Alvin shut the passenger side door and Jay drove off with his new girlfriend. Her tears subsided, her heart still ached, and she was angry. Finally, Erin saw someone she thought looked like Voight, put her key in the ignition and drove away.

It took her less than ten minutes to get home and when she arrived Erin was mentally exhausted just from the events of the last couple hours. Taking, her key out of her pocket, Erin listened for any noise from inside her apartment. Bunny had been throwing parties at her apartment since the moment Erin turned in her badge to Hank. Surprisingly, Erin heard no noise coming from inside and quickly let herself in.

Her living room looked as if a bomb had gone off. There were empty bottles of alcohol scattered everywhere, pieces of clothing, empty pill bottles, and other random objects littered the floor. Erin stood in her entryway for at least ten minutes staring at the mess. This is what her life had come to. A giant mess.

Snapping out of her gaze, Erin went towards her kitchen and found a half empty bottle of vodka sitting on her counter. Opening it, Erin took a long gulp not caring how much it burned her throat.

Keeping the bottle firm in her hand, she made her way to the living room and began to pick up the items off the floor. She would pick up two or three items and then take a sip of the liquid poison she held in her hand. This routine continued for about fifteen minutes, until her feet crunched on broken glass.

Glancing down, Erin came face to face with three small picture frames. The pictures had probably been smashed during one of Bunny's ragers. But, it didn't matter that they were broken, it mattered who was staring back at her.

One held a picture of her and Hank, taken the day she was officially a detective in the Intelligence Unit. Another held a picture of Erin and Nadia, probably taken after closing a case at Molly's. Slowly, Erin reached down to pick the last picture. She brushed away some of the broken glass, not caring if it cut her skin.

In her hand, she held a picture of who else, but her and Jay. They both had genuine smiles on their faces as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her close. It was taken during the time they were together, but no one knew. They were happy and she of course had to end it. She cut off the one thing that made her happy.

Erin felt tears stream down her cheeks and before she knew what she was doing, Erin held the frame firm in her hands and threw it up across the room. It came crashing to the ground and Erin heard the frame shatter into pieces. That was her breaking point.

She no longer held back the tears as she picked up the second frame, and threw it across the room, not being afraid to scream this time. She screamed for everything. For Nadia's death, for telling that kid to shoot her, for hooking up with Landon, for handing her badge into Hank. For Jay. For giving up on him, their partnership, their friendship, and their relationship. She screamed and cried for all of those things as she picked up the last frame which held the picture of her and Hank and threw it across the room.

It came crashing to the ground, just like the other two, and then there was an eerie silence settled in Erin's apartment. Erin slowly began to catch her breath and swiped away a few tears. Reaching down, she grabbed the bottle of vodka she dropped on the ground and took another long sip of it.

As she looked to the ground, Erin saw two white circles staring back at her. Amongst all the trash that littered her apartment, Erin saw the white pills that could take her pain away. Bending down, Erin took them in her hands and sat there for a while. All she had to do was take them and she could forget everything. She could forget all about what she just witnessed in the parking lot. Just take a sip of vodka, the pills, that was it.

Just as she was about to lift the pills to her mouth, Erin heard a small voice call out from somewhere in her apartment.

"Mama", it called out. Erin's head quickly snapped up at the voice. Was she hallucinating? Had someone left their kid in her apartment?

"Mama", the voice called out again. Dropping the pills on the ground, Erin shot up and began to search all over her house. As she did the voice got louder and the call became more desperate.

"Mama", the voice screamed. Erin opened up her bedroom, then Nadia's, and came up with nothing. There was no one in here except for her, but yet the voice got louder.

Falling to the ground, Erin desperately tried to block out the desperate call of a child as she covered her ears. Squeezing her eyes shut, Erin continued to cry as she hoped the voice along with everything else would go away.

Erin Lindsay had never shot up in bed so fast. Wiping the cold sweat from her forehead, she took in the familiarity of her bedroom. Turning to her right, Erin saw a sleeping form lying beside her. Breathing a sigh of relief, Erin pulled her hair back in ponytail and sank into the pillows in her bed. It was all just a dream.

"Mama", a small voice cried out from down the hallway.

Sitting up quickly, Erin glanced at the clock by her bedside noticing that it was seven thirty in the morning, and quickly jumped out of bed running towards the bedroom next door.

Opening the door, Erin couldn't help the smile that covered her face as she saw her ten month old daughter standing up in her crib, with a stuffed animal in hand.

Emily Nadia Halstead squealed with excitement as she saw her mother standing in the doorway of her room. Carefully, the baby reached out her arms trying to get Erin to come closer, but instead dropped her toy on the ground.

Erin acted quickly and scooped up the toy placed it back in Emily's hands just getting her to squeal all over again with excitement.

"Mama! Mama", she repeated, now dying to get out of the crib. Erin laughed as she lifted Emily out of the crib and the small baby launched her chubby arms around Erin's neck in a tight hug.

Erin let out another sigh of relief as she held her daughter in her arms. Emily was the voice she had heard in her dream. She brought her back to reality.

After a few seconds, Emily released her grip and placed her hands on Erin's face. "Kiss", she asked.

Erin laughed before rubbing their noses together in an eskimo kiss. Emily let out another infectious giggle, showing off the dimples she got from Erin.

"How about we get you changed, Missy", Erin teased carrying her daughter over to the small changing table and laying her down gently.

As Erin took off the small pink pajama pants, Emily stuck the stuffed animal she was holding in her hand in her mouth.

"You can't chew on that silly", Erin laughed taking it from her after removing the dirty diaper.

Emily just giggled and let her eyes wander around the room while Erin undressed her and put a bright pink onesie that said "Daddy's Little Girl" on her.

Erin smiled as she remembered Jay's face when she gave it to him after finding out their perfect little baby was a girl.

Lifting Emily from the changing table, Erin placed another kiss on Emily's cheek and watched as her little girl pointed to a picture on the wall

"Mama", Emily said pointing to Erin in the family picture that hung on the wall.

"That's right", Erin smiled bringing Emily closer to the picture so she could almost touch it. Lifting a chubby figure Emily went from pointing to Erin, to pointing to Jay.

"Da-dee", she smiled.

Before Erin could commend her daughter on successfully pointing out her father in the portrait, the sound of pots and pans being moved around in the kitchen disturbed their moment. Glancing towards Erin quickly, Emily began to realize it was her father making all the noise in the room next door.

"You wanna go see Daddy", Erin cooed as she carried Emily out of the room and into the kitchen where Jay stood, his back to them, beginning to make breakfast.

"DA-DEE", Emily practically screamed getting Jay's attention fairly quickly.

As Jay turned around, Erin swore her heart melted right then and there. Jay's face lit up like a Christmas tree when he saw her standing there with their daughter. He immediately dropped what he was doing and approached them as Emily buried her face in Erin's neck, pretending to be shy.

"Oh well, I guess only Mommy gets good morning kisses", Jay teased his daughter before planting a quick chaste kiss on Erin's lips, leaving Erin begging for more.

"Good Morning", he smiled down at her.

"Good Morning", Erin answered feeling a blush creep on her cheeks. She couldn't help the blush that crept on her cheeks as her husband swiped a piece of hair away from her face. She prayed Jay didn't notice, but knew that he would.

"Alright Emily. I guess I will just go back to cooking", Jay teased once again knowing Emily's new favorite game was pretending to be shy in the morning.

Jay barely even took five steps before Emily had removed her head from Erin's neck and was now watching him slowly walk away. "Da-dee", she cried reaching her hands out to him, dying for him to hold her.

Jay quickly obliged and scooped Emily out of Erin's arms and into his, where she now quickly cuddled into his side. Erin heard him mutter something about the coffee being ready and she went to grab herself a cup. After taking one or two sips, Erin turned around to see Jay on their living room floor with Emily and a few baby toys, the food he was going to make long forgotten.

Erin couldn't help but smile as Emily let loose one of her infectious giggles as Jay teased her with the toys. She didn't understand why she had dreamed of a life without them.

"Erin, did you hear me", Jay asked snapping Erin away from her thoughts.

"Uh, no. Sorry", Erin said shaking her head, earning a laugh from Jay at the disheveled look on her face.

"Voight called after you woke up and said we could have the weekend off", he repeated. "Maybe we can get this little stinker to start walking some more", Jay smiled towards Emily who was completely oblivious to what he was saying.

Erin frowned at the thought of Emily walking. She just wanted her to stay this little forever. There was no need for her to start walking when Erin could just carry her everywhere. Keep her safe.

"Are you okay", Jay asked slightly concerned about Erin's somber mood.

"Yeah", Erin answered setting her cup down on the counter and sitting next to Jay on the floor. Jay wrapped his arm around Erin's shoulder while they watched Emily play with some blocks.

Glancing towards Jay, Erin watched as his eyes were still shining as he watched Emily play. Erin didn't think she had ever seen him this happy and she loved it. She loved him. This fact made it so easy for her to lean up and gently press her lips against his. Erin knew it startled him when he didn't kiss back, but that didn't last long.

When she pulled away, Erin saw the same light in Jay's eyes she had seen mere seconds ago. "For never giving up on me", she whispered shyly.

Jay smiled as she repeated the same words she said to him on the couch nearly three years ago. When he was about to say more, Erin continued to speak.

"I had this dream that none of this existed and I had buried myself in that hole I was in after Nadia", she began.

"I just gave up. You were dating that lawyer who gave you her number right in front of me and I never got to tell you that I loved you", Erin somewhat finished.

Jay sat there processing everything his wife had just told him. She had crazy dreams occasionally, but never anything like this. "I am never giving up on you", Jay finally spoke.

Erin looked at her with a small smile on her face, "You and Emily are all I have", he continued.

"I love you, Erin Halstead", Jay finished as he cupped Erin's face with his hand, causing her to break out in a full grin. Jay gently placed a kiss on her forehead, not missing the 'I love you' that Erin whispered into his skin as she cuddled into his side.

"Kiss", Emily exclaimed suddenly. Erin and Jay both let out a throaty laugh as Emily scooted over to them and plopped herself in Jay's lap. The three spent majority of their morning on the carpet playing with several baby toys. Erin's nightmare slowly began to drift from her mind while she got lost in her perfect little life.

 **A/N: Thoughts? I had been working on this one shot for quite awhile and it was super fun to explore the darker side of Erin in the beginning of the season and the happiness of Linstead b/c they are back together. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. Please don't forget to review and follow me on twitter (queenoflinstead).**

 **Also for those of you waiting on updates on _Finding Mia_ and _Halstead's Secret,_ I will be working on those this week and hope to have them posted before I return to school! **


End file.
